By Greenbank's Latin America Partner, MAPA Consulting
"Honey, please wait for me in heaven and we will build our nest around cotton clouds"
The above quote was immortalized by the great Spanish Director,
Pedro Almodovar, in his movie Matador. But, what is the connection
with this month newsletter?
Let's see:
- What are the risks involved when one person assumes that the other one is waiting for him?
- How would one feel if, when arriving to heaven, one realized that his better half is simply not there?
- What would have happened if both parties had had a dialogue about their mutual expectations before embarking on a celestial trip?
Unrealistic expectations about the other party will damage
relationships (it does not matter if we are talking about
boss-employee, peers, friends or partners). In a typical example:
the boss was expecting that a staff member would attend a meeting,
while the same employee was sure that her boss would be the one
representing their department. As a consequence, nobody attended
the important meeting.
Many times we go through life "expecting that...",
"assuming that...", "wishing that"..., "believing that...",
"imagining that...", instead of understanding if the other
person can or cannot fulfil our expectations. This is possible in
the romantic world of the boleros, but in real life, especially in
the corporate world, this is simply inadmissible.
There is a wonderful tool that we may use to strengthen a
relationship called "aligning expectations about the other
person" (and vice versa). Imagine a weight balance. On one of
the plates you place your beliefs, wishes, expectations,
aspirations, and assumptions, and on the other plate, the other
person places his skills, capacities, possibilities and previous
commitments in relation to the other person's expectations.
Let's see an example: John (left plate) is Mary's boss. He has an
ambiguous expectation that she will increase her sales. He has an
ambiguous wish about a positive and immediate impact on her image.
His premise - not validated with Mary is that he is sure she can
accomplish that in three months. On her part, Mary (right plate)
hopes that John will help her to improve her selling skills over
the next three months (capacity to be built) and that he will allow
some time for her to build confidence with her newly acquired
skills (possibility). Mary wishes that John won't ask for concrete
results during this time, and that he allow her to finish her
classes in finance (Mary's time commitment).
Alignment will happen only when these two plates are balanced. When
the plates are not balanced (and it is absolutely probable that
they are not) there are two possible alternatives: keep on dreaming
about unreal situations that will cause huge frustration or start
aligning expectations, coming to an agreement.
Therefore, what we need to do is put in action an intense two-way
communication exercise. In this exercise, one expectation (an
assumption about the future, involving a person or a fact) becomes
an outcome in line with the possibilities of the other party. This
is very different from "what I want the other person to do." This
does not guarantee that the result will be exactly the same as the
expectation, but at least we are starting from a more realistic
beginning.
If Mary does not fulfill John's expectations she will, for sure,
cause disappointment. If she exceeds the expectation, it will be a
pleasant surprise for John. Whatever the outcome may be, if we
start with mutually aligned expectations we will avoid surprises
and drama. At the same time, we will have tools to understand what
worked and what didn't, and be able to initiate an action
plan.
Living in a world of unaligned expectations about "what" can be
accomplished and "when" it has to be ready, in addition to the
pressure to comply, we end up committing to unreal deadlines and
impossible tasks, stuck in a "wishful thinking" situation which,
most of the time, leads to frustration.
How many times has the IT representative promised that the system
would be ready in three months when in reality nothing could be
done before nine months? A quick investigation would reveal that
the three months were promised by the programmer, as a consequence
of the "wishful thinking" attitude, and agreeing to the pressures
from the boss, user, client, etc.
Let's examine some possible ideas
When considering an assumption, start the dialogue
saying "I am assuming that..."
Assuming something is not necessarily bad, provided that we
validate our assumptions and data with the other party. As
mentioned in our July 2010 newsletter "I am not crazy, I am just
not you," different people will think, feel and act in different
ways. The fact that I want someone to do something does not
guarantee that the other can do it, or want to do it, or know how
to do it. If you act this way, you will avoid negative emotions,
disappointment, anger and conflict. "I assume that you will
attend the monthly interdepartmental meeting." Ifyou hear the
question "what meeting?" careful, something is not aligned.
2. Clearly express, with no ambiguity, your expectations
(what is needed and wished for from the other
party).
Better to take the time to communicate beforehand than to complain
later. Say "what I need you to do is..." or "what I expect from you
Thursday after lunch is ..." Of course, saying it is not enough.
The dialogue should continue with questions such as: "how does that
sound to you?", "what do you need to make it happen?" and "How can
I help?" You won't always hear what you want to hear. If you are
not open to hear a "no" as an answer then it is not a dialogue, but
an order. If that is the case, be sure to provide the context and
the reasons.
3. Careful. Sometimes, we are the ones generating false
expectations of ourselves.
The day to day pressure causes us to demand more and more from
ourselves. We include more items in our agenda than we can possibly
handle, without communicating to the team that "our" expectations
regarding "their" capacity can be unrealistic. Think of a client
calling the boss on Friday at 6 pm to request a proposal to be on
his desk Monday by 9 am.
This is not about saying "no" (we understand that saying no to a
client or to a boss is a luxury that we cannot allow to ourselves
in the current environment). We need to understand the reason for
the deadline and to communicate realistic deliverables. A better
reply would be something like: "It is a pleasure to work on this
proposal for you. The soonest we can prepare it is Wednesday
afternoon. Is that acceptable? The rest is negotiation.
Once you are committed to a deadline or a task there is only one
possibility: do it. If not, we will be on a path paved by painful
explanations, excuses, and blaming. Therefore, before committing to
something, it is much better to ask can I really do it.
4. Getting angry is never the best
option.
By not following points 1,2,3 you will be following a recipe for
delicious frustration. Many times we ask for help assuming that the
other person will have no inconvenience helping us. Then, when the
answer is "no," we get mad. We propose a change in paradigm and ask
why the other person said no. Have a conversation to understand
his/her reasons. Is it a matter of knowledge (do not know), skills
(don't know how), or attitude (don't want to)? Whatever the answer,
you will have more information, and it will be easier to align
expectations.
5. Make agreements.
In our workshops, whenever we talk about expectations, we always
comment on the huge difference between having an expectation and
making an agreement. Here's an example:
The housewife, right after dinner, complains that her husband
has not cleaned the dishes. Clearly, that was her expectation, and
seeing a pile of dirty dishes while her husband watches TV brings
her enormous frustration. When we asked her if they had an
agreement about doing dishes her reply was "There was no need to,
that's the right thing to do." Careful! "The right thing to do" is
in her mind, but it is not part of pre-established agreement.
Lesson learned: expectations that are not verbalized can be
divorced from reality. The bridge we need to make is called
AGREEMENT.
Back to our opening quote. If the lines were: "What about if we meet again in heaven - assuming this place really exists - to rebuild our home?" perhaps we would not be composing a great bolero, but, for sure, we would be aligning expectations and avoiding frustrations.
